Cyberdyne Systems Mayoral Model 101
No Steps Backwards 1842 Coalition has redesigned the Catawba County Seal. It is inspired by the City of Hickory’s new brand print “Life. Well Crafted. By Elites.” The new party line slogan is now “No Steps Backwards 1842: Because You Really Can’t Go Back Much Further Than That”.
The man with the shovel represents Sisyphus filling in the sinkhole, which celebrated it’s 10th birthday last month.
The Jolly Roger represents Hickory City Council. The HDR recently quoted me as saying “We can’t always control the wind, but we can always adjust the sails.” Hickory City Council controls this modernistic suburban mall yacht’s sails, and the parking lot slush fund that got this thing constructed you crybabies. We plundered that sweet, sweet misappropriated booty one parking ticket at a time. Yarrrrg!
Do you hear that? It is the world’s smallest $1 million dollar violin playing Mayor Rudy Wright’s Swimming Pool Demolition Sonata in D major
The tent represents the Sails on the Square you morons.
The Wheel of Fortune represents the intercession of random chance into the Fool’s path. The card represents the forces that can help or hinder the querant suddenly or unpredictably. Citizens for Equity in Government have stirred up a hornet’s nest with this divisive Ward Referendum issue, but I’m no fool. The CEG reports that Hickory City Council’s self-preservation instinct has kicked in and that we are only interested in protecting our seats, not in letting wards determine their own representatives. Facts don’t always tell the truth!
I have user submitted questions in my inbox related to the Hickory Hound reporting on the First Amendment ban that Hickory City Council and I imposed on Larry Pope behind closed doors last week. Your queries are stupid so they can wait for a bit longer. Since this blog is about me I want to tell you that I haven’t been feeling right since that Bret Michaels concert last week.
After the concert I went home with a pounding headache and an upset stomach. I told myself “You’re getting too old for this rock and roll lifestyle, Rudy. But it’s better to burn out, than to fade awaaaaaaaaaaaay.”
I poured a glass of ginger ale, cleaned about an inch of dust from my turntable and started to play my old Poison albums. As I sipped on my ginger ale to soothe my nausea, and the dulcet tones of Unskinny Bop filled the air, something whispered to me…. no, something tingled the base of my skull, enticing me with the notion that my old Poison records would sound way better if I played them…. backwards.
I spun the vinyl in a bacchanalian trance, the needle skipping grooves manically as the album rotated counterclockwise, the backward masked messages of Flesh and Blood and Look What the Cat Dragged In revealing themselves to me. In a haze of hair metal, darkness entered my being. Heretical thoughts raced through my skull, an unquenchable thirst for blood consumed me. Disconcerted, I turned off the record player and attempted to put these mad thoughts out of my mind. As a distraction I turned on the TV and fired up one of my favorite movies, Twilight Saga: New Moon. As Edward locked lips with Bella in a vampirey kiss I gazed out the bay window at the full moon and an infernal blackness descended. I entered a fugue state and the ancient and unfathomable Cthulhu showed me his face. Sanity, reason and consciousness fled. I awoke in a muddy field, naked, dry blood and chicken feathers adhering to the corners of my mouth.
The experts are just as puzzled as I am. Who am I? What have I become?
Open Up and Say…. Rudy
A day Hickory will never forget.
Mayor Rudy Wright of Hickory, NC giving the key to the city to Bret Michaels onstage on a bittersweet Memorial Day weekend 2012.
The Key to the City will open any door for you Bret, but you might want to wait 10 or 15 minutes before using it to open the mayoral bathroom.
(Source: bretmichaels)
